Bird droppings

This is my reflection on "Dancing"

What is our world lacking?
Joy and Connection.
If for one moment, we can come together
Throw our cares away
Become like children, and just be free.
Free to be ourselves
Free to move
And free to dance

Distance drops away
Borders and barriers drop away
And for one brief moment
We're just kids.
playing in the rain together

Maybe that's something.
Maybe that, alone, is enough to remind us that we're part of a larger world.
That we are part of an entire planet of people, animals, plants
Vistas and view that are unimaginable.

This is our world
This is our planet
And we are here together.

Maybe that's a pretty cool concept.

A sad fact that I have to deal with and own up to is this:

I am an artist at heart. I crave the act of creation. Whether that be creating music, images, sculpture, software, pottery, literature, poetry, hair, or any million numbers of other things. It's why I have been drawn, time and again, to the creative arts throughout my life. It's why the majority of my closest friends are also artists in some medium or other. Musicians and programmers and painters and draw-ers and tailors and poets etc. etc.

The sad fact that I have to own up to is that, really, until about 2007, I have been an artist largely in theory, not in practice. Although I've had moments of creative acts, it's mostly been in the context of school and work. My life has mostly been filled with avoidance and fear, convinced that I am worthless and incapable of anything. It's only around 2007 when I began to turn that around.

I am growing into the artist that I have always been in my heart. I hope that some day I can look back at what I've created and say, "I am an artist in fact" in all the ways that I want to mean that.

Many people I know seem to have focus.

Some people I know become incredible socialites, always visiting friends and family and throwing parties and events and all that jazz. Others devote significant portions of their lives to the study of spiritual practices, religions and magick and all that jazz. Still others devote their lives to feats of engineering. Writing really cool bits of software and churning out applications and/or games as fast as they can. Others devote their lives to art, painting or drawing or sculpting or whatever. Or perhaps music, working on becoming great pianists or banjo players or something like that. Then there's people that focus on building electronics projects. Or people that focus on making clothes and fabrics and costumes. Or exercise. Or hiking. Or rock climbing. And on and on.

Some people focus on many things over time, but only one at a time, learning something for a few years, then focusing on something else. Others combine a few things simultaneously, but keep it limited.

At this point in my life, I don't seem to have too much focus, because there are too many things that I want to try out. I've never really had enough of an opportunity to really explore myself and see what I really enjoy. As a child, I was always too busy trying to please my parents and teachers to really explore what mattered to me. So now I'm exploring. I'm trying everything, learning new skills, testing the waters of various things, seeing what works.

I think there are some things that seem to be emerging from the chaos. Drawing, programming, rock climbing, and hiking seem to be pretty important and have stuck around for a year or more, so that seems to be steady for now. Skateboarding and biking seem like they could become important, but it's going to take a while longer before I start to feel more like they are a constant part of my life. Gaming seems to have wandered out of my life for the most part. I'm trying something new on socialization lately to see how that works for me.

To some degree, I'm seeking to find a balance of all of the things that interest me. A balance that works for me, not necessarily equal interest in all things. I want to be social, do art, do coding, etc. and still find time to still try/learn new things. I'm succeeding quite well of late, even if I'm going slower than I might like. Honestly, I like where I'm at right now. In every way I can measure it, especially in the direction that I'm taking it, my life is perfect right now.

Perspective is a fascinating thing.

This past Sunday, I had a conversation wherein the other person lauded my adventurous spirit. According to her, I am one of the most active and adventurous people she has ever met. I don't shy from any challenge or obstacle in my path. I go wandering into the wilderness, climbing cliffs and hills and rocks. I'm often leading the pack, pushing everyone around me to explore what's around the next bend in the trail. She celebrated the fact that on a whim we could find ourselves anywhere from the beach to the redwood forest to the middle of a college campus during a gay pride parade.

The day before that, someone lauded me for my energy at Spiral Dance. They thanked me for putting so much energy and vitality into the dance. I think I even managed to start a trend where everyone was jumping up and down while they danced. It was pretty incredible and intense, and I was putting forth tons of energy. I get like that a lot when I'm at a place where there is much dancing going on. I become a wild woman, dancing in a crazy and passionate way.

But then later on Sunday, I ran into someone who has a very different perspective of me. She sees me as a slow and lethargic person. Someone who needs to be dragged on a hike because I am uncomfortable walking on uneven terrain and going to unfamiliar places. I'm inactive and not very into my body.

It really emphasizes how much of the way we describe things is based on our relative perspective of things. We take our known experience as a baseline and describe something relative to that, but we'll often use absolute terms. Like the whole freedom vs. fear thing. People that are trapped deep in fear and often refuse to step too far out of the norm see me as a free spirit without bounds or chains. People that live without fear of the things that I'm afraid of describe me as a deeply frightened individual that is too afraid to do anything. Most of the time, I will describe myself as being free because of how afraid and bound up I know I *used* to be. All of these descriptions are accurate only when they are placed in the context of the perspective of the person making them.

It really makes certain types of communication rather difficult. If I'm trying to describe my life philosophy to you, I will unavoidably use absolute terms to describe relative experiences. What I call "being in the moment" and "living in the now" someone else might describe as "planning carefully for the future and contemplating the past." That's because I've always been so stuck in the future and past that I've ignored the now, and this hypothetical other person may have been living so much in the now that they weren't making any plans or considering the consequences of their actions. We both decide to do the exact same thing: Experience the moment, reflect on the past without clinging, and plan for the future without expectation. But we describe it completely differently.

Again, it makes it difficult to communicate things like life philosophies, personal development, etc. I see this even when I read books by great spiritual leaders. For example, they'll talk about things like "letting go of attachments," but I don't think they mean that in an absolute sense, given the other things I read from that author.

I wonder how to use this observation to improve communication abilities.

I like having bad eyesight. I can see things many other people can't because of it.

I am constantly changing. I'm really tired of it lately. I have a hard time expecting people to take me seriously when the entire world might be different for me tomorrow.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling introverted or stressed, I just want to be the quiet smiling person in the back of the room that buys you a drink and then walks out of the club, metaphorically speaking.

Living with soquili_gitli has made me very aware of the "flavor" of my energy. It is very... fluttery. Vibrating at a high frequency. Almost insubstantial at times. This is who I tend to be, but I often find myself longing to be lower frequency. More relaxed. More solid.

Because everything is always changing around me... I take life at high speed. Everything I do always feels like it is at an accelerated pace from a lot of the people around me. But when I try to slow down, I feel like everything is rushing past me. It's like I'm in a different time stream than the rest of the world.

I feel so alien as regards human customs, rituals, thought patterns, and behaviors sometimes. I've learned to interact with humans through many years of careful study, but it still feels alien to me, like speaking a language that doesn't feel quite natural yet.

At this moment, I feel alien in the concept of celebrations. I'm not sure I quite understand how and why people take part in certain celebrations of things. I've always felt very private about the way I celebrate things, and never really part of the crowd in terms of these sorts of things. When I have gotten to be part of a crowd, though, it has been wonderful. I suppose I worry that I am intruding on someone else's belief about what is being celebrated...

I think I need to get more comfortable with my way of living life. It is sometimes very unique to me, and because of that, I get nervous about what other people might think about it. It's me. It's my way of life. I choose it. so... I should embrace that.