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elenbarathi. There are a few low-blows at overweight individuals, which make the article offensive in places, but the general concept is rather funny.
elenbarathi. There are a few low-blows at overweight individuals, which make the article offensive in places, but the general concept is rather funny.Alli Side Effects In Layman's Terms
by Jeff Kay
Alli is a new over-the-counter weight-loss pill which, predictably enough, has proven to be a massive best-seller from the moment it became available. The drug, manufactured by GlaxoSmithKline, reportedly works by blocking the absorption of excess fats by the body. And folks are waddling, not walking, to their local drug stores for a chance to start on the Alli "program."
As is the case with most drugs, Alli comes with a risk of certain side effects. Or, as they're known on the company website, treatment effects.
A person is reportedly limited to 15 grams of fat per meal, and if they go over (or even if they don't), there's a significant chance they'll find themselves out behind a shopping center somewhere, crying and clutching a wad of horrifyingly soiled undergarments, searching for a place to ditch it.
As best as I can tell, anyway...
Since a lot of this stuff is couched in language that is technically truthful, but very carefully worded, I've taken it upon myself to go through the list of side (treatment) effects and warnings, and translate it all into layman's terms.
I'm no scientist or doctor, and don't pretend to have any special knowledge. I'm just a person who's fairly good with words and reading between the lines... The highlighted phrases below are direct quotes from the Alli website, with my translations in between.
Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.
Here the drug makers are trying to soothe the nerves of the skeptical fatty, by speaking their language. Pizza is something fatties understand, and a big part of the reason they’re interested in Alli to begin with. Pizza is good, pizza is reassuring… even when it’s flowing from your ass like molten lava.
The website mentions seeing the undigested fat in a toilet, but that’s clearly a best case scenario. You might also see it on the tops of your shoes, across the hood of a car, or way up the shower curtain, near the loops.
The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes, known as treatment effects.
Bowel changes. Notice how they phrase that? It means stuff will be happening the likes of which you could never have imagined. It’ll be like a daily Dean Koontz novel inside your underwear.
You may get:
gas with oily spotting
You’ll be farting Wesson oil straight through your Dockers…
loose stools
and having violent chipped beef explosions...
more frequent stools that may be hard to control
all the time, with a sphincter that can no longer be counted as a friend.
Eating a low-fat diet lowers the chance of these bowel changes. Limit fat intake in your meals to an average of 15 grams.
The McDonald’s Big Mac has 34 grams of fat, and the Burger King Whopper has 40. Eat either of these while taking Alli, and you’ll very likely be transformed into a diarrhea cannon.
Learning how to manage treatment effects is an important part of being successful with alli. Here's how to take control:
Start trimming fat from your diet now, even before you begin taking alli. Then pick a day to begin taking alli, such as a weekend day so you can stay close to home if you experience a treatment effect. Make the timing work for you. If you're getting ready to travel or attend a social event, hold off on starting with alli until the event is over
Blowing liquid feces down a row of bridesmaids, for instance, could be viewed negatively in certain circles. Further, an unexpected bout of the power-squirts while riding “The Bullet” at the county fair might not ingratiate you with your friends. Or anyone on the fairway. Or the folks in the parking lot walking to their cars.
While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings
You see, when you think about it, shitting yourself is actually a positive.
You can't "save fat grams" from lunch and "spend them" at dinner. Spread your daily fat gram allowance of 15 grams on average per meal over the whole day
Cheating can lead to embarrassment, tears, and the introduction of a frantically constructed toilet paper crack-wedge in the bathroom of an Applebee's. It’s simply not worth it.
You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work
Until you get the hang of it, you should probably take along a rolling suitcase full of brown clothes everywhere you go, while taking Alli. Luckily, however, turd-colored clothing is in this season; turd is the new vomit.
If co-workers ask about it, there is no shame in telling the truth. You might be surprised how understanding folks can be if you simply say, “I dress like this to conceal the poop that's constantly soaking through the seat of my pants.”
You may not usually get gassy, but it's a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens
Showboating is not recommended.
You can use a food journal to recognize what foods can lead to treatment effects. For example, writing down what you eat may help you learn that marinara sauce is a better option than Alfredo sauce
In addition to a handcart full of extra pants designed to camouflage your anal leakage, it might also be a good idea to carry a schematic and information wheel, so you don't repeat past mistakes and have a treatment effect halfway up your back.
I hope this information has proven to be valuable.
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no subject
Date: 2008-03-29 12:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-29 03:19 am (UTC)so ok...people are actually ingesting this stuff why??? I mean if its going to cause anal leakage....thats not normal *or* healthy
yeesh...I think the diet industry has really gone off the deep end this time.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-29 05:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-29 06:31 am (UTC)Um....oily discharge?
Exercise, lay off the potato chips, and maybe not expect drugs to do the work for you? Silly me. Yes, some people are cursed with metabolisms and whatnot that just don't cooperate. But for the vast majority I have two treatments options. 1. Recognize that there's nothing wrong with you. Size 2 is a myth. Cope. or 2. Recognize that the body has a few hundred thousand years of biological memory to survive in a non suburbanized environment and get some exercise instead of waiting for a God/Diet Book/Loser "Scientist" on Oprah/Drug to do it for you.
Of course, I've been called a bitch before. :) But sweet burning baby Jesus, if given a choice between being overweight or randomly and uncontrollably shitting myself in scads of brown milky wesson oil for the rest of my life, I know where I'll be voting.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-29 08:57 pm (UTC)So after ten or twenty or thirty years of snacking and sitting, people decide to CHANGE, woohoo!!! and they go on a diet-and-exercise program. But wah, it's hard; they're not used to watching what they eat, or to keeping their bodies moving... and worse than that, it's permanent, because every time they cheat, their bodies go right back to the status quo they established through years of conscientious couch-potatohood.
Ain't no such thing as a free lunch, but that doesn't stop people trying to get one anyhow. So blame "metabolism" - a nice medical word that most people won't question because they don't want to admit that they don't really know what it means - because that's more positive-self-image-affirming than acknowledging that you're still fat because you're still sneaking treats and blowing off your workouts.
I say that any person who eats a variety of real, whole foods in reasonable portions and proportions, drinks water, avoids refined carbs, and spends more time moving than sitting will naturally achieve his or her healthy weight. Size 2 isn't a myth; there are women who naturally fit that size - the myth is that a woman who doesn't naturally fit it can fit it unnaturally without looking and feeling terrible.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-29 09:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-29 09:35 pm (UTC)Size 2 is the far end of the curve for Caucasian women, it's true (though I know two about that size) - Asian women, it's another matter. LOL, my favorite consignment store is always full of exquisite adult womens' clothing sized to fit a skinny 9-year-old, and Oriental ladies about my age but half my size, happily picking through it.
I've never quite 'gotten' what the deal is about sizes. The number on the label in the back of the dress has nothing to do with how good a person looks in that dress - making the number a 2 instead of a 10 doesn't make either the dress or the person any smaller - and squeezing into clothes a size too small is guaranteed to make anyone look bad.
It's kind of like women who lie about their age to try and make themselves seem younger - all they succeed in doing is making themselves look old before their time. I say it's better to look pretty good for honest 50 than to look like hell for false 40.
no subject
Date: 2008-04-02 05:26 am (UTC)It's easier for most people to identify with what's expected of them rather than themselves, and assigning casual identity via number is just another manifestation of that. Few enough recognize that those numbers don't actually mean anything.
All of which boils down to a core tennet of my philosophy - "you are as free as you think you are."
no subject
Date: 2008-03-30 03:20 am (UTC)You do realize that metabolisms differ from person to person, right? If a person with a fast metabolism eats a few treats and doesn't exercise enough, they're probably not going to gain weight or have any other adverse effects. A person with a slow metabolism isn't going to be so lucky.
I have a slow metabolism. I eat less and am more active than many skinnier people that I know. Yet I'm overweight and have a lot of difficulty controlling my weight. And this has been the case for me since I was young.
It's true that if I exercised more and ate better I'd lose weight. My lack of effort on this is part of what causes me to be overweight. However, that's not my point. My point is that, because of my slow metabolism, which I inherited from my father's side of the family, it requires me to be more vigilant and do more work than your average person.
That's not an excuse, but it is an important point to realize when talking about metabolism.
no subject
Date: 2008-03-29 06:54 am (UTC)So, this drug actually works via enforced dietary change?
no subject
Date: 2008-03-29 09:13 pm (UTC)That's fine as far as it goes, but unfortunately it's the wrong enforced dietary change, so it's not going to work.